Home for the Holidays: Party with Your Parents


Home for the holidays? Do yourself a solid, hang out with your parents & their friends. You’re too old to be dragged to one of your parents’ social events, you should be tagging along willingly. So for a day (or night) trade in your kegs & Jäger for a grown up affair of bottled beer, cocktails & delicious food for free ninety-nine.

When you’re in town, your parents will most likely introduce you to an insane amount of people. While you’ve been off at school or working your big city job, your parents have probably spent a good chunk of time talking about you. They’ve been keeping absolute strangers in the loop when it comes to your life. See, whether they know it or not, parents enjoy swapping kid stories long after so-called kids have graduated high school, gone off to college, got a promotion, etc. And, while you’re back in your hometown, your parents will introduce to their friends who, I hope, have only heard good things about you. Parties are a great way to maximize face time with your parents and their buddies as you shamelessly eat & drink everything in sight.


Before you leave the house, know what you’re getting into and ask your parents what’s up (alcohol, designated driver, etc). CYA and BYOB if need be, but you should be in good hands. You might be able to save your twenty-something – age and/or amount – dollars. Plus, a Jäger-free bar, stocked with out-of-budget booze really lifts the spirits. Definitely something to consider before you make a mistake & flake on your parents. C’mon, go to the party, it’s the least you can do.

While thirdwheelin’ with your parents, in quest of superior booze and foods, please exercise caution.

Caution: Before you make a beeline for the bar, do yourself a favor and eat something.

Actually, eat EVERYTHING. Hors d’oeuvres & buffets are pretty much the social norm when it comes to adult affairs. A far cry from a sad sack of Lay’s & PBR of our younger, wildly inexperienced years, parties become virtually synonymous with eating and “cheat days” after a certain age. What age exactly? Whenever you put your foot down and say “NO MORE VOMIT COVERED BATHROOMS”. See, hosts don’t expect their guests to shave, shower, sit through traffic and scarf down a 3-course meal before a soirée. No. Instead they arm themselves with multiple snack bowls, a buffet area, and sometimes even a grill. They come prepared so you don’t have to.

A properly lined stomach is the best defense for a puke free powder room.


Speaking of which… The best defense is a great offense. Hosts take it upon themselves to make you feel at home right away. In one breath, the host has shoved an appetizer in your hand, served you a drink, and introduced you to a handful of people. The best icebreakers include , “can I get you a drink?”, “you have to try (insert food here)” and my all-time favorite “would you like to be a judge in our rib cook-off?”

Every party is not structured around some sort of cook-off, and that’s okay. But, if your parents allude to any kind of culinary competition, THAT is the party you should be saying YES to. Over the summer, I had the pleasure of attending a rib cook-off with my parents (I love ribs!) When I was asked to judge 4 different rib recipes, I accepted this great responsibility with honor. Each chef had been marinating over flavor combinations, dressings and textures for the past 12 months. There was even a miniature grill shaped trophy for 1st place. Don’t be fooled, a friendly competition is still a competition. That said, even the friendliest of competitions can make grown men act like school children. Taunts were made, happy dances were danced & the winning was not particularly won gracefully. If I had been intimidated earlier, I surely wasn’t by then.

Lesson: At the end of the day, we all just want to shoot the shit with our friends.

Be social. It’s not always easy to carve yourself a space among long-time friends. If you’re ever stuck looking for conversation topics, stick to what you know (school, job, travel, blog…). No one expects you to roll out with a 5-year plan over cocktails. You’re there to have a good time, sure, but also so that your parents’ friends can put a face to a name. They’re not interviewing or criticizing you. Relax!

Note: Shameless self promotion works fairly well here.


Once you’re comfortable, don’t be afraid to showcase your twenty-something skills. Good at editing pictures? Show someone your favorite editing app. Speak another language? Teach someone to say something useful or fun.

At the end of the party, the hosts were discussing customized cars. Out of nowhere, the term “murdered out” pops up & eyebrows were raised. Before we knew it, the hosts were going back and forth debating if the term even existed. Somehow, I found myself in a warped, adult version of “Kids Say the Darndest Things” where I stood in for Bill Cosby, and my parents’ peers the children. Assuming my new role, laughing my way to 6-pack abs I let the ridiculousness ensue. Eventually, I settled the Great Murdered Out Debate by pulling up the Urban Dictionary definition on a phone:

Murdered out:
When a vehicle has both black paint and black aftermarket wheels. The window tint should also be really dark and other aftermarket accessories such as black taillight covers etc. should aid in blacking out the ride.

After you’ve laughed, cried, eaten everything & boozed, it’s time to go home. When everyone starts grabbing their purses, and dishes, calmly start searching for Mom and Dad. Your carriage awaits!

#1 Party Tip:

Annual. It’s really just a fancy way of saying “I can only do this shit once a year!” People will no longer expect you to throw more than one party per year.

Source: gif1 – gif2gif3definition

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Real Classroom Distractions That Aren’t Leggings

books falling

As an occasional leggings-as-pants offender, I cannot comprehend why schools are “cracking down” on yoga pants. School dress codes are really getting out of hand these days. Claiming leggings distract male students from their lessons is absurd. School officials are targeting legwear but refuse to acknowledge many of the distractions present in any given classroom. The fact that schools enforce spandex bans all willy-nilly is infuriating. (Totally not stopping dudes. Read more.) But most importantly, the time & energy required to enforced such rules could certainly be better spent.

Here are 4 bigger distractions that warrant just as much attention:

1. The Clock

Anyone who’s ever sat in a classroom dying to get out knows how distracting a clock can be. It’s hypnotic. And that piece of shit never moves fast enough. Most people have probably tried their hand at telekinesis as they anxiously wait for the bell to ring. Those affected by even the mildest case of Senioritis know the struggle is all too real. In chronic cases, subjects develop tunnel vision, becoming completely oblivious their legging clad classmates. The clock. It ticks. Too slowly.

You know what also trumps yoga pants in the distraction department?

2. Hunger

napoleon dynamite tater tots

You try to tell constantly growing mini-adults, athletes especially, that hanger isn’t all-consuming state of mind. Grumbling stomachs, hunger pangs & irritability do not a concentrated student make. I promise you that. I’m twenty-ish & I still have trouble managing bouts of hanger. It’s hard to sit through class & take notes when your body is politely reminding you to feed it every 1-20 seconds. Stress healthy eating & breakfast all you want, but sometimes life happens & meals don’t. But since hunger is distraction, let’s go ahead ban hunger in schools too!

And when meals finally do happen, food comas are a possibility (almost inevitable). Yes, sometimes when we can’t eat fast enough, we wind up in a hanger induced food coma. Try plopping down in a desk with a food baby that could fool pregnancy test and learn algebra. Or anything. When all you wanna do is keel over in fetal position, how could anyone be alert? Unless that class is called nap time, fat chance you’ll be participating. What’s worse? You’re probably REAL uncomfortable, with half the sense not to unbutton your jeans. Might as well ban food comas while were at it. What do you call a food coma without leggings? INSANELY UNCOMFORTABLE. You’re welcome!

The obvious culprits, more detrimental than the so-called controversial tights/pants hybrid:

3. Social Media.

social media logos

Claim your school has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to cellphone use in class all you want, but I’m not buying it. These days, students and teachers alike are glued to their smartphones more than ever. It’s our clock, dictionary, email, scanner, etc. However, it’s also the greatest distraction of our time. Twitter, Instagram & Snapchat don’t magically fall silent from 8am-3pm during the week. And it’s inconceivable that ALL those student authored tweets are coming from little truants.

Feel free to rummage through the following hashtags:

  • #BoredInClass
  • #BoredInSchool
  • #InClass
  • #InSchool

It might be easier to take a selfie in a college amphitheater, but don’t underestimate high-schoolers (or younger),  they’re impressively crafty. If their predecessors learned to blindly text with T9 under desks, bet your bottom dollar they’re taking selfies & telling the world how much #SchoolSucks. Trying to stealthily manage your social media accounts is an enormous distraction, legging-covered limbs are not.

4. Stress

As if students needed ONE more thing to stress out about, let’s just tamper with the dress code . Hormones aside (because that topic is TIRED), passing the semester, college prep, college essays, college tours, Driver’s Ed, school plays, volleyball matches, piano practice… are all perfectly worthy of adolescent stress. Those things actually factor into their future in ways yoga pants simply do not.

And since school’s not getting easier, (cf. “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader”), shouldn’t students AT LEAST be comfortable? Being comfortable is conducive to an academic environment. I, for example, wouldn’t have made it outta high school alive if it weren’t for pajama bottoms & sweatpants. But if leggings are OUT, we might as well make ALL comfortable clothing a violation of school policy, to be fair . “So long jeans, tees, hoodies, gym shorts & sweatpants,” said no school official ever.* But seriously, if we just ban stress, students wouldn’t need to be comfortable & we could bypass this whole legging controversy all together!

Uniform peddlers, before you rejoice, shouldn’t students experience the glory that is free dress before they settle down into the workwear-appropriate world us adults are so fond of? Have they not their entire lives (and after-school jobs) to be miserably dressed?


To be honest, I don’t see how students can get through school without leggings. Homework, all-nighters, college applications, SATs, SAT II, community service… all while getting up at the crack of dawn. School is hard enough. Some days real pants ARE too much of a hassle. Besides policing leggings worn by female students on school grounds is impractical, ridiculous, sexist & clearly misdirected. There are much bigger fish to fry: Sex Ed, Bullying, Rape Culture, etc. But if it’s the little fish you want, there’s always: bake sales, car washes, food drives, dances or even model UN.

Breaking News: Leggings are not raising teen pregnancy rates or the number of high school drop outs.


Honorable mentions:

Next period’s homework
Excessive coughing or sneezing
Being too hot or cold
Chapped lips
Mosquito bites
Nice weather
Fire drills

*Schools with uniforms/without free dress not included. Obviously.

Source: .gif

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,