Tag Archives: sex

Casual Sex Not Just For The Single

couple intimate

Casual sex is good for you. Not only for singles but for couples too.

I have casual sex. I casually have sex with my boyfriend. Sometimes I shave my legs, sometimes I don’t. You don’t always have to dress to impress or wear the laciest underthings. Everyday we hear about how to rekindle that spark, add romance to our bedrooms and how to contort our bodies in crazy ways but casual sex within a relationship should also be praised and applauded. It feels good. Makes us feel good. And, chances are, probably won’t land you in the ER.

You can still have casual sex within a relationship. Contrary to popular belief, it is not reserved solely for singles or those in open relationships. That’s not what this is about. Casual, unplanned naked time where one thing leads to another. I’m not using “spontaneous” because it’s loaded with a ton of pressure. These days, you can pick up a number of magazines that will gladly drill “be spontaneous” into your heads and your beds. But that tends to fuel questions like “Am I spontaneous enough?” and various other feelings of inadequacy. You don’t have to be anything. If you’re in the mood & so is your boo, than that’s all that matters. Not stubble, not chipped nail polish, not your hair do.

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“Balance” and “moderation” are preached in nearly every area of our lives except for the bedroom. There’s this endless need to make it hotter, longer and better than the last, as if we’re competing for gold in the “Big O-lympics.” We are figuratively sucking the fun out of sex. The only thing worse than not getting enough of the good stuff is the pressure to be wilder, sexier and infinitely more skilled than every single time before. Fuck that. There’s no need to get all fancy every single time.

Don’t bend over backwards in an impossible position if you’re not feeling it. You can always catch a yoga class, when you’re less likely to pull a muscle in your groin. We should be easing cramps, not creating them. Besides, research says you’re not burning that many calories bumping & grinding anyway.

When is comes to casual sex within a relationship, we’re really talking about comfortable sex. Did you just cringe? Relax. When you’re comfortable in the moment and with each other, who’s to say you need anything else? People have been having sex long before rouge, high heels and handcuffs. Just wake up and on the right side of bed? If you’re partner’s up for the occasion, no reason why you need to skip to the loo, my darling. Try and be present. Casual sex should be something we can easily slide into.

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There’s no shame in initiating sexy time sans lingerie. Or binge watching a series on Netflix and engaging in foreplay. No candles? No problem. Shit won’t magically catch on fire while you’re busy getting busy. Your local fire department will thank you.

Not every sex session needs to bathed in candlelight accompanied by long, loving glances. Similarly, we don’t always need to perform like we’re auditioning for HBO. Sometimes bodies can just be bodies, even if you already know each other’s middle names.

Sure, laid back coupled sex might be the jean & t-shirt equivalent to a date night romp, but it’s still great. Don’t let the mixed signals fool you. Only you know what kind of sex you should or shouldn’t be having (or even at all). Your best bet? Do what suits the both (or all, if that’s more your thing) of you. If that looks a lot more casual, that’s okay too.

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Aaliyah – The Coach

As a longtime Aaliyah fan, I have only just realized what a great coach she was. Yes, that’s right, coach. While there’s no denying that “Rock the Boat” could easily two step you into the bedroom, and even lend a hand when it comes to directions, it is so much more.

There’s no shortage of advice on how to achieve x, y or z behind closed doors in the internet age, but sometimes an explicit example is necessary. ‘Rock the Boat’ is just that, only ironically subtle. Let me explain.

When it comes to sex, it can be a little uncomfortable starting a dialogue about likes, dislikes, needs and the shebang, there’s no denying it. Aaliyah delves right into the conversation with a sultry voice right from the start. Ideally, that’s how things should go. There was no shame in her game and that I can applaud. While this song was released thirteen years ago, I find that it promotes a sex-positive philosophy and comes from a place of empowerment. It’s one thing to take matters into your own hands, it is another to guide. Her approach is so unthreatening that I had no idea she was coaching lovers until today. Throughout the entire song she is giving her partner directions without ever sounding like a drill sergeant, encouraging without being inauthentic all in a safe, comfortable environment of mmm’s and ooh’s that truly allow a person to thrive.

I’m a pretty firm believer in the saying “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”. The way Aaliyah asks for what she needs is so graceful. Now, not everyone is a songbird, but that doesn’t mean our wants and needs aren’t just as valid. Sex can be one of the most vulnerable experiences and treating people with care should be written in the rules somewhere. No one wants to be mid-romp getting bossed around, feeling incompetent and like they might get subliminally tweeted about in a post-sex selfie with #fail. No one needs that. Go ahead and be vocal but don’t be insensitive about it. When Aaliyah needs a little more she gives permission. Pretty sure THAT is the secret. “Go ahead and put that thing in overdrive” may be a mouthful but at least it’s not hurtful. And see, no egos were harmed while rocking her boat.

While giving pep talks may not be your cup of tea, using them between the sheets is pretty genius if you ask me. Aaliyah delivers a breathy pep talk that not only gets your engines going but instills confidence and hope. Okay, maybe not hope exactly, but when’s the last time you told someone to reach down deep within themselves and “use [themselves] like [they] never used it before”? That right there speaks to the soul, that untapped potential that people keep talking about. It’s about heart and getting in there like you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I highly recommend dusting off Aaliyah’s self-titled album and seeing if ‘Rock the Boat’ sounds different now. It was always sexy, but this is pretty much straight out of the sex goddess playbook. And unlike most of the articles you’ll likely stumble upon, you can hear just how it should be done. Not everything should be left to imagination, especially when you’re worried of sounding too harsh, unnatural, or even emasculating. Leave it to Aaliyah, the princess of R&B, and now the coach of all coaches.

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